I always thought it was going to be you. That at the end of the mind games and the drunken moments of honesty, it was going to be you. You messaged me because you thought of me, because your Grandma mentioned me, because she remembered me. I start feeling comfortable with talking to you again-after not hearing from you for months- and it was natural and comfortable and the bit of fresh air that I needed since everything is changing so fast around me.
Then without any sort of warning- BOOM, the first bomb hits, you are seeing someone that makes you happy, BOOM you have been seeing her since the fourth of July and the last and biggest BOOM you are willing to try long distance for her when that was one of the reasons you couldn’t be with me. I don’t understand why you do this to me… Why you make me so high and then you hit me so hard and i come falling down. I don’t know how many more times i can get back up and put on a fake smile. I don’t know how many more times i can let you do this to me. Its not fair, i don’t deserve this. I try so hard to get you out of my head, to put myself out there and forget. Yet it always comes back to bite me in the ass. Secretly, I always thought it was because we belonged together. That everything i did to put myself out there was being sabotaged because you were my lobster, my Chuck Bass, my Mr. Big, But its all just a lie.
I thought I was ready to date again, that i was finally ready to see someone new and get those butterflies that you always use to give me. But boy am i wrong. I can’t handle hearing you seeing someone else. I know i need to get over it because it has been so long but i can’t. Every time i try to shake you, you pull me back in. You text me something or you do something that makes my crazy-girl-head spin. I can’t let you do this to me anymore. This isn’t fair.